Friend or faux?

Today I am going to blog about friendship. Have you ever had a friendship that weighs you down, brings you down, makes you feel that you are being judged and is demanding? I know I have. I may have even at points in my life been this sort of a friend. I turned 24 in June and I felt that I had always been a pushover and a people pleaser. After a hard few months where some things happened that changed my outlook on life, I decided to start standing up for myself and do the things I enjoy. I also made the decision to eliminate the friends that I felt had a negative impact on me from my life. Prior to this I had been told that I had changed and yes I had changed. What I think is really funny is that people find it so shocking that you change, I was  under the impression that as human beings we are always evolving and becoming better version's of ourselves.


What is a "Faux" Friend? 

To me a faux friend is somebody who has a negative impact on you. Wither it be a judgemental attitude or in my experience a controlling one. It is somebody who likes to know what you are up too, but not out of interest but to make sure what you are doing falls into their idea of what you should be doing. A faux friend is somebody who will be abrupt to you at the drop of a hat for example, if you are to busy to meet them when it suits them. My best friend and I can go a month without seeing each other and there is never any animosity. We are both adults and understand that we are both busy. A faux friend is somebody who likes to use you, in my experience to be a drinking buddy. You will find that it is only when you are doing what the that person wants is when they are warm to you. As I change and grow into the person I am becoming I find that my true friends respect that and enjoy it. I found the faux friends  resented it.   I am not saying that these people are bad people but the way I view it is how the people make me feel. The way they are might work for others, but if these people have a negative impact on me they are not "suited" friends for me. I only want to surround myself with people who make me feel good and support me through the hard times. I know it sounds extreme and I do not ever recommend just ditching people. You have to realise that you can only be a good friend to others if you feel good about yourself. The only way you can feel good about yourself is if you do things you enjoy and surround yourself with people that have a positive impact on you. Be honest to the faux friends tell them it is just not working for you. You will be able to tell a lot from their reaction. If they get angry and nasty you know you made the right choice. Always go with your gut instinct. I had a faux friend who I stopped speaking to twice before I finally cut all ties. If someone came to me and told me they did not want to spend time with me any more as the friendship was having a negative impact on them, I would respect that. People are allowed to grow and change.

What is a Real Friend?

I can honestly say I have only three real friends. Remember guys its quality not quantity. When I was younger I was determined to surround myself with lots of acquaintances. I have learned that true friendship is so much more valuable. A true friend is somebody who most of all makes you feel good about yourself. They are always there when you need them and respect that you also lead you own life too. It is balanced and equal. You care and support them as much as they care and support you. They will support you through the hard times and laugh with you in the good. They will be happy for you during your successes and never ridicule you during your failures. Every time you see them no matter how long its been it will be like you have never been apart. They will share your views on most things and just understand you. With a true friend you will feel that you can always tell the truth no matter how gritty or shameful. You will know they would never judge you. Friendship in your late teens and early twenties comes with a lot of heartache. When you establish who your true friends are though it will feel great. My opinion is drop the bad eggs and keep the true. Do not keep the bad eggs because you are scared you will not have lot of friends. View it as clearing out your closet and making room for fun new things! It is very cheesy but listening to Katy Perry's new song Roar really helped me during this transition. It is all about getting strength and making your own decisions. Never let people push you around and pressure you to do things that do not interest you. Friendship is one of the most important things in life so make sure that it really is a friendship you have with someone.

Remember......Friendship should be FUN! 

Lonely Day...Lets talk depression.

Such a lonely day

And it's mine

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day should be banned

It's a day that I can't stand

The Most lonely day of my life

The most lonely day of my life

Such a lonely day

Shouldn't exist

Its a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day

And it's mine

The most loneliest day of my life

The above lyrics are from System of a Down's song Lonely Day. The nature of this blog post is not that of beauty but of a subject that is deeply personal to me. It is about my battle to overcome anxiety and depression. I am writing this blog in the hope it will help someone experiencing the loneliness described above. Lonely is the word that describes suffering from anxiety best for me.

It really was me, myself and I. I really did cry a thousand times. Luckily for me I got better. I believe you can too! Please message me if you have any further questions. The term me, myself and I is now a happy one for me! I overcame this extreme loneliness. I now enjoy my own company and do not feel lonely. 

    

What happened?

It started not long after I got my first job as a graduate. I would repeatedly check that I had my purse and keys when I got in from work. I would check that I had them  four or five times. What started as a strange impulse soon grew into  panic attacks that only happened when I was alone. They would start for no reason at all. At first I thought I had a medical condition that caused my throat to close up and heart to race. When I researched the symptoms I realised I was actually suffering from acute panic attacks. Instead of trying to get help I just tried to ignore what was happening to me, I continued with my life and continued to suffer privately.As the months marched on my panic attacks got worse and my confidence started to drop. All my thoughts about myself were negative ones. I felt like I was worthless, useless, stupid, a failure and a burden to the people that care for me. I began to believe that everybody hated me and I lost enjoyment in the things that I had once loved. For example music and books. I cried myself to sleep most nights and felt lost. I felt I had forgotten who I was and felt like an empty shelf. I was functioning for example going to work and eating but I wasn't living.I had always been a very bubbly sociable person, but I started avoiding social situations. I felt alone even when I was surrounded by people. I felt like I was stuck on an island of heart break and I didn't know what was breaking my heart. This is the thing about anxiety and depression it can effect ANYBODY. There does not even need to be a trigger. In my case I think my episode may of stemmed from my Mothers death but I cannot be sure of that. Society is so judgemental when it comes to mental health disorders. What society doesn't realise is that these sort of conditions are very common but people are not open about it. Luckily for me I have an amazing Dad who helped me and when I finally did seek professional help the Dr was amazing.

What is a panic attack?

A sudden feeling of dread, the sudden urge to push your way through to the nearest exit, the whole room shrinking down around you and everybody staring at you and smothering you. In a split second, without you anticipating it, or knowing it's going to happen, your body releases adrenaline. This adrenaline is released as your body is preparing for "flight or fight". Something our brain is programmed to do in a life or death situation. You need adrenaline for a fight in order to be strong, and you need adrenaline for flight, in order to run fast and get away. This would have prepared our cave-dwelling ancestors to fight or run away from danger, but it’s much less appropriate to the stresses we encounter today. Clearly, we are not cavemen any more, and we don't need to hunt for our food, but this adrenaline is released in situations like tripping over a step, being extremely excited, being on a roller-coaster, being in a fight, In an accident, adrenaline is released into our bodies all the time, but us panic attack sufferers

have a "SENSITIVE ALARM".

Panic Attack Symptoms

very rapid breathing or feeling unable to breathe

very rapid heartbeat

pains in your chest

feeling faint or dizzy

sweating/Shivering

ringing in your ears

tingling or numbness in your hands and feet

hot or cold flushes

feeling nauseous

wanting to go to the toilet

feelings of absolute terror

feeling smothered

feeling claustrophobic

being extremely emotional/uncrontrollable crying

feelings of unreality, called depersonalisation and derealisation.

Tight throat

Recovery

By the time I finally went to speak to a Dr my depression and anxiety was very bad. She felt that I needed a short course of anti depressants to help my brain rebalance and heal. I will say there is many other methods of treatment other that medication. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Counselling are two common treatments. But after a failed course of counselling the Dr and I felt that it was worth me trying a medication. Luckily I did, within a month of taking the tablets I began to feel like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I could finally see life in perspective and began to feel like myself for the first time in a whole year. On top of taking the medicine I also spent time acknowledging my negative thoughts but did not allow them to over take my mind. I also did deep breathing exercises when I felt bouts of anxiety starting. Six months later I came off the medicine and have been well since. I want people to know that the help is there and you are not alone. Some of the brightest stars have suffered from anxiety and depression. There is a reason it is nicknamed the thinking individuals illness. Remember thoughts are NOT facts. This mantra really helped me during my period of recovery.

Moving on

I will always have to watch out for the warning signs starting again as I will always be at risk of it coming back. I have learned to view negative thoughts as passing clouds most of which are not real. I do not view myself as a victim of the illness but as a survivor. Everyday I have to make a conscious effort to look after myself and use the mantra "Thoughts are not facts". If I can overcome it you can too. I can truly say I am me again and it feel great!