I spent the first 22 years of my life trying to bond with peers. In nursery I tried to gain comrades by sharing my Barbie's and helping less creative children with their finger painting. During Primary school I spent years chasing after the popular girls and pretending I like the "normal" things like The Spice Girls and Boyzone. In the comfort of my own home I would listen to 70s bands with my Dad, discussing philosophy and reading poetry. I was accepted in to the peer group but I always felt that the other kids could tell that something was not right. I guess the only way to describe it is a barrier. I feel there is a big strong barrier between myself and others. I can say and do the right things but I do not connect with other people. In high school I managed to flirt between all the social groups but never actually belonged to any. I went to parties and was involved but never really had the ability to keep a friend. When I did begin to bond with someone I would distance myself from them and manage to stir an issue between us. This was a pattern that happened time and time again. As I type this it feels like it sounds deliberate but it was not. The basic human skill that most people naturally encompass I just do not have. Through university I continued this pattern that I have nicknamed " befriend and ditch". I love acquaintances but I just do not want people to get to close. I enjoyed getting close to boyfriends and found solace in a relationship with someone just as complicated as me. I always felt meeting other people there was a wall. I could smile, joke and make them laugh but the normal connection just wasn't ever there. Others first instincts of me were always be wary but they had no reason but gut instinct to determine that reaction. I did manage to make a few close friends at university who are still my friends now but these people were patient enough to wait. I guess I am a bit like a cat you need to earn my trust.
This issue I have used to cause me large levels of stress and upset. Well because I am a loner. Yes I said it I am a loner. I do not fit in. I am good at my job and get on well with my colleagues but again on a personal level I do not fit in. I never will. I enjoy my own space and company. I can be an open book but only display the chapters that I wrote myself. I do not feel comfortable being to close to people. The more I have thought about this "issue" the more I have realised that this is not an issue. It is only society that says we should belong to a social group and have lots of friends. I am happy being isolated and not fitting in anywhere. It sounds crazy but I truly am. I feel powerful not conforming and not trying to impress others. I live my life in a way I am happy with. Not striving to fit in actually lifts a huge weight of your shoulders. It is not that people do not like me but I just do not connect with other people. Finally being okay with this after all these years is actually liberating. This really is a case of "It is me not you". I have left a few potential friends pissed of with my isolating antics but I cannot help it. I guess if I sat and tried to psychoanalyse myself it could of stemmed from my Mothers death. But I just think I am a lone wolf.
I want all the other loners out there to know that it is okay. I actually think it is pretty cool. We are designed differently and heck I reckon we could all do something pretty spectacular with all that "alone" time. If you don't fit it don't try. I have a few amazing REAL friends who understand me and I understand them. I do not fit in with them and vice versa we are just individuals. I will never be one for trying to impress others. I care about other people, I just do not want to be their friends. I guess I need a connection with someone to form a friendship. This is a rare event for me.
Ode to a Loner by glutton4beauty
Me, myself and I and I do not ever cry.
I am my own best friend and I will enjoy my own company till the end.
In summer bloom or winter doom I will enjoy isolation and individual domination.
No pressure to impress and never any distress.
Isolated in the corner in my magenta dress I do not have an ego to caress.
Smiles and charm without any harm.
I am a loner and I am here to conquer.
This issue I have used to cause me large levels of stress and upset. Well because I am a loner. Yes I said it I am a loner. I do not fit in. I am good at my job and get on well with my colleagues but again on a personal level I do not fit in. I never will. I enjoy my own space and company. I can be an open book but only display the chapters that I wrote myself. I do not feel comfortable being to close to people. The more I have thought about this "issue" the more I have realised that this is not an issue. It is only society that says we should belong to a social group and have lots of friends. I am happy being isolated and not fitting in anywhere. It sounds crazy but I truly am. I feel powerful not conforming and not trying to impress others. I live my life in a way I am happy with. Not striving to fit in actually lifts a huge weight of your shoulders. It is not that people do not like me but I just do not connect with other people. Finally being okay with this after all these years is actually liberating. This really is a case of "It is me not you". I have left a few potential friends pissed of with my isolating antics but I cannot help it. I guess if I sat and tried to psychoanalyse myself it could of stemmed from my Mothers death. But I just think I am a lone wolf.
I want all the other loners out there to know that it is okay. I actually think it is pretty cool. We are designed differently and heck I reckon we could all do something pretty spectacular with all that "alone" time. If you don't fit it don't try. I have a few amazing REAL friends who understand me and I understand them. I do not fit in with them and vice versa we are just individuals. I will never be one for trying to impress others. I care about other people, I just do not want to be their friends. I guess I need a connection with someone to form a friendship. This is a rare event for me.
Ode to a Loner by glutton4beauty
Me, myself and I and I do not ever cry.
I am my own best friend and I will enjoy my own company till the end.
In summer bloom or winter doom I will enjoy isolation and individual domination.
No pressure to impress and never any distress.
Isolated in the corner in my magenta dress I do not have an ego to caress.
Smiles and charm without any harm.
I am a loner and I am here to conquer.
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